(19, MI, USA) Anonymous - What “IT” Meant to Me

I can’t really remember when it started, but I do remember how it felt. And how it still feels. I started to feel IT sometime during my early teenage years. This feeling wasn’t happiness, IT wasn't sadness, IT was something more. IT was an immense feeling of deep sadness, and loneliness deep inside. IT felt like such an enormous toll on my everyday life, but I just could not wrap my head around what it was exactly, so IT was what I called it. I couldn’t understand why I felt so lonely as I had kind friends; only a couple, loving parents, and an amazing puppy who is now eight. Some days I couldn’t simply get out of bed, or eat, and sometimes even shower or simply brush my teeth. Those tasks that were once simple, were now my biggest struggle. I struggled to really find what that IT was, and some days I thought I was going mad. I thought I would talk to my parents, but every time I got close, my body tensed. Lying in bed and scrolling on social media was my only resort. Shortly however, I resorted to cutting my own soft, delicate skin, until I couldn’t take the pain anymore. Eventually IT wanted my life for good. I grabbed my rusty razor, with blood that was embedded in between the spikes, and held it tight upon my radial artery. Ring, ring. My mom rang as I had tears flowing across my sweaty face, with my heart beating fast. I answered sobbing and to shortly explain, IT all came out. My truth and IT. Here I am today after getting the help I needed, and realizing IT would not take over my life. Even though deep down IT still remains, I helped change my perspective on it by receiving help and consulting with people I trust. 5 years after that day I graduated High School, and now attend a good University. My story and your story does not have to end. Don’t let IT change that. I, we, are not alone. 

988 National Suicide Hotline.