(16, CA, USA) Anonymous - Somewhat Mediocre
When you are somewhat mediocre at things, you get it but only enough. You are the standard, the definition, of the bare minimum. Things work out just enough for you to be able to scrape by. Of course people will always tell you the amount of potential you have, but the motivation to do well is just not there. Maybe it’s the lack of passion. Or the lack of interest in the subject. Maybe it could be the difficulty at which the task forces upon you. Or maybe you just simply do not care enough for what the world wants for you anymore. And to put it in more simpler terms, you also care too much. It can never be to little, or too much, that you care about what others may think of you. It’s everywhere. On their faces, their body, to way their feet turn away as you talk to them, the way that they glance behind you at the clock to see how much time is left, the way that they try and find a way out, or the way they subtly try to ignore you to get you to shut up. This is the feeling that mediocrity can pull from people. You are just not completely important enough for them to care. But at least your enough for them to try and act like they do. You have enough knowledge and presence for them to realize that ignoring you would make them look like the bad person and all you can do is watch them try and hide it. But your too mediocre to care. Your too busy trying to fit into other people’s standard to try and act like you want to be the best version of yourself. Too smart for regular classes. Too dumb for advanced classes. Or at least naturally you are. After having been mediocre for so long, you forget how it feels to work hard. You put on such a spectacular act that you do work hard that others applaud you for it. Maybe even a standing ovation. You almost contemplate if you should’ve been an actor. But the only thing you truly are working hard at, is keeping up the facade that you are working hard. How do you work hard anyway. Isn’t it supposed to be measured personally and not through the eyes of others. Or is it too biased. But others cannot see what you do or feel when your not around them. Oh, but they feel it. That’s what they all say. They just know that you’re working your best and hardest everywhere and anywhere you go. It’s part of your act anyway, so why not take the praise while you can. Before they get bored or give up (which ever one comes first) and decide that you are not as entertaining of a worker as someone who truly works hard. But you never feel the need to the want to complete anything except to fit into people’s images of you. Tragic, yes, but true. To be able to feel passion is as much as a luxury as feeling hard work. I mean, they go hand in hand at some point anyway. But why is finding your passion so difficult. Does everyone have a passion? Can my passion be money? Who else doesn’t have a passion? Will I ever find my passion? When will I be able to feel the burning passion within me that ignites the small candle in my heart, to warm it to my finger tips, the tip of my nose, through my legs, making me feel as majestic as an be. But to have a passion is to be good at something. To be proud of results you can create. But if your mediocre, how can you find a passion?
