(18, NY, USA) Anonymous - Numbers
At first, the phrase “eating disorder" never meant anything to me. It was a seemingly “disease” that to me was in the same category as pneumonia or the flu. It was something I would have to catch from another person in order to have. Although other people can and have definitely contributed to the eating disorder that plagued my life, most of the issues seemed to be self-inflicted.
I've never liked math. Numbers were always not fun to look at and not fun to work with. Whenever I do math problems, I think about the numbers I used to calculate everyday. Whether it was on the back of every food package, or on a scale, my mind always associates numbers with the amount of calories I would intake. A constant, how many are in this, let’s see if i’m allowed to eat that later. I never liked mirrors either. The reflective surface was just another medium for me to notice every imperfection about myself. Every single of those calories I ate and where they sat on my body. I was reminded of the many things I hated about my appearance. Whether it be the cellulite on my legs, or the way my stomach wasn’t flat, or the random bumps I had. So, I chose to stay away from them like the black plague. I’ve also noticed that I value other people’s opinions greatly, and that I usually always trust the word of others: a possible good, but usually bad thing. But for some reason, I couldn’t trust the positive things that people said about my physicality. It didn’t matter if it was someone whom I really trusted, or someone who was known to be always brutally honest. I just couldn’t get a single positive thought through my head. But, the worst part of this was that nothing satisfied me. It didn’t matter how little I ate or how much I worked out. As long as the scale said a number even a decimal off my unhealthy goal, I would be led into a depression.
Eating disorders aren’t a disease like pneumonia or the flu. They aren’t something your immune system can battle off. They’re a perpetual war with yourself. One that lives with you forever. Although I have now grown out of most of my bad habits, I still keep many malign thoughts with me. I choose to stay away from scales, I choose not to put myself through the dissatisfaction of the answer the machine would give me. And as much as I am healthier now, I know most of my habits will stay with me the rest of my life.
