(15, CT, USA) Anonymous - He Made Me This Way
"If God does exist, he is cruel." A quote I heard a while ago, and didn't want to believe. I come from a Catholic family, where God has a plan for us from the beginning of our birth, thinks of us all the time, and gives us our path. In 3rd grade, I had a crush on my best friend, and in 5th grade, I asked my older sister about it. The first thing she told me was, "Don't tell Mom." I sat there in wonder. I couldn't understand why something as innocent as having a crush on a friend would be something to hide. It made me question the idea of my mother's unconditional love and acceptance towards me.
One day, my siblings asked my mother her views on the LGBTQ community. She stood silent, then said, "I would be disappointed if you guys ended up like that. I'll love you forever, but I'd be disappointed." My heart dropped, and I'm sure my sisters' did as well. For a long time, until I was 13, I pondered why my mother was against it. "God didn't intend for that." But I thought we were created in his image and that he had purposes for us. I was very perplexed. I attempted to "pray the gay away," but clasped fingers cannot contradict one's identity.
I recall reading through social media and coming across a video stating that God punishes us for loving differently and that, if he exists, he must have cruelty in his heart. But how can we know that? Knowing that God intended us to be a certain way, I don't see why he could punish us for it. I don't want to live that way, though. I want to believe it was for the better. Then, I read a remark below it, in which a user stated, "If you don't believe that God loves you no matter what, then you are blinded by the wrongs he did. He made sacrifices to prove his love to us; all must love their neighbor no matter what."
I suddenly recognized my mother's problem: she had only believed what her family had taught her for years, which had blinded her. With the perspective provided by the commenter, I began to appreciate myself more. I live knowing that God intended me to be this way; there is no hatred in me. I am loved by the people around me for who I am, and I will not feel terrible about it. I won't feel self-hatred for loving who I want. If I am to be cursed simply for loving, I will carry it with pride.
